Archive for the ‘South Park’ Category

Reading Digest – 28 August 2012   Leave a comment

“Tom, I’m currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper.  We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions.  Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating.” – Mitch the Action News Reporter

FNLogo The best part of hurricane coverage is when the storm picks up speed before it makes landfall, which gives the attention junkies in the media a chance to jerk off over how powerful it is:

Isaac on Verge of Becoming Hurricane:

Tropical Storm Isaac on the verge of becoming hurricane as it approaches the Gulf of Mexico toward Louisiana.

It’s not even a category one hurricane yet, and they’re ready to declare it the second coming of Katrina:

CNNlogo

Tropical Storm Isaac bearing down on Louisiana coast:

Residents in four states are warned to evacuate before storm makes landfall a day before the seventh anniversary of deadly Hurricane Katrina.

They know the storm probably isn’t going to be all that bad, so they have to squeeze every last microsecond of attention out of scare stories before it lands.  It’s just fun to watch. 

FoxNationLogo I’d say that it’s more likely a bureaucratic adherence to dumb categorization rather than a brilliant metaphor about American society, but there is something to the nationalist insistence on everything being “Culture”:

Tropical Storm Culture

DailyCallerLogo CNBC runs ads for Larry Kudlow’s show declaring that he comes “from the center”:

Kudlow the Centrist

Just sayin’. 

RedStateLogo Say what you will about the Junior Reds at the kiddie table, but they do know how to stay on message:

The Beginning of the End

It’s actually about the final stages of the 2012 presidential campaign, but in an RSS feed or just at a glance, plenty of apocalypse minded wingers will click on it for other reasons. 

nytimeslogo1 Someone needs to get the op-ed editors at the Paywalled Lady a dictionary:

Hardscrabble

Noah, if you please:

2 : marked by poverty <a hardscrabble cotton town> <a hardscrabble childhood>

You can’t even blame this on Brooks, he didn’t write that subhead.  The Times wrote that.  Jebus. 

Reading Digest – 24 August 2012   Leave a comment

“Hold on, children, we have to ditch them!” – Chef
“What are you doing, man?” – Eric Cartman
“Looks like them boys are getting a little fresh air.” – Narrator

CNNlogo So very many important stories this morning:

Best places for rich and single – Uh, all of them?

World’s craziest waterslides – And this isn’t even in the top three dumbest stories for today.

Star basketball hopeful attacks ex – Getting closer . . .

She gets 25 wrong number calls a day – Closer . . .

Remember your favorite lunchbox? – Bullseye!:

CNN LunchboxNothing says “Featured” story on the homepage of cnn.com like a Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox from thirty years ago. 

DailyCallerLogo Irony alert:

The Word Is Pussy

What, exactly, is the point of publishing Skeletor Barbie if you’re not going to let the word “pussy” run wild and free?  On an unrelated topic:

Death, Taxes, and Vagina

Only a man who’s been married that many times would automatically associate women with death and taxes.  Somewhere out there, in some dank, sweaty corner of the internet, there is slash fiction about Limbaugh and Coulter.  Sadly, it’s probably more coherent than either of them are in real life.

DailyBeastLogo This is patently untrue:

Wolf Blitzer - The One Sided Man

Wolf Blitzer doesn’t have an “Opinionated Side”.  Blitzer has only a single side, and that’s because he’s a mono-dimensional being sent to Earth to race back and forth between stupid and clueless in an endless cycle for our amusement.

— 

bbclogo1 At least they didn’t get our hopes up by putting the dead hippo story at the bottom:

Hippo Death

nytimeslogo1 This somehow wandered off the pages of the DullWASP Academy newsletter and into the Paywalled Lady:

Op-Ed: Is Private School Not Expensive Enough?

R. Scott Asen, a graduate and former trustee of Groton School, is a private investor.

So, “private investor”, is that what we’re calling do nothing, trust fund malcontents these days?  (And how come richers never use their real first names?)  I can’t help but think that he’s become disgusted at those merely upper-middle-class people polluting his beloved school:

Given the strength of the educational product offered by these prestigious schools, not to mention the prestige itself, I think that for every affluent family scared off by the new policy, there would be another of equivalent means — with an equally desirable child in tow — willing to pay full cost.

Heaven forefend that little Muffy and Thurston might have to go to school with kids whose parents can only afford a three bedroom hovel on Martha’s Vineyard. 

Posted August 24, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, South Park

Tagged with

Reading Digest – 23 August 2012   Leave a comment

“What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh?  Nancy Kerrigan wouldn’t give up!  When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best!  She wouldn’t stop until she was number one!” – Stan Marsh
“Uh, Stan.” – Kyle Broflovski

DailyCallerLogo Remember, kids, it’s always important to read the subhead:

Dinesh D’Souza’s Obama doc wins at the box office:

‘Obama’s America: 2016’ is the second-highest grossing documentary of the year so far

So not only did it not “win”, unless coming in second is winning now, but it lost in that notoriously big money world of documentaries.  The article is even funnier, because this box office winner is only showing on 167 screens nationwide and will likely be gone from even those next week.  Win!

DailyBeastLogo Today in confirming things you already knew:

Shocker - Yoga Loses Its Apolitical Status

Next you’ll be telling me that gun range instructors and huckster preachers love Paul Ryan.

FNLogo News Corporation properties have always gone a little overboard with branding, but this is a bit much:

MyFoxHurricane

It’s not just a hurricane, it’s a fair and balanced “MyFoxHurricane”! 

FoxNationLogo This word, “culture”, I do not think it means what you think it means:

Cultural Flu

PoliticoLogo We’re the meanest, most cynical, and most bad ass political reporters around, yeah!  Except that . . .

Fuck Politico

. . . the letters “u” and “c” make us titter like second graders.  Thank heavens some innocent eight-year-old who happens to stumble upon America’s least informative newspaper won’t learn any naughty words today. 

nytimeslogo1

Op-Ed: Don’t Break Up the Big Banks – And just who has taken to the pages of the Paywalled Lady to defend the architects of the Lesser Depression?  Why, it’s this guy:

William B. Harrison Jr. was an architect of the 2000 merger that created JPMorgan Chase and was the bank’s chairman and chief executive. He retired in 2006.

You, gentle sir, have lost all credibility with everyone who isn’t on your payroll.  Please to be fucking off now. 

Posted August 23, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, South Park

Tagged with

Reading Digest – 21 August 2012   Leave a comment

[Note: For the third time in as many weeks, Reading Digest is getting an overhaul.  We’ll see if this one lasts longer than the others.]

Quote of the Day:

“How come you’re packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?” – Butters
“I’m not a fudge packer!” – Tom Cruise
“Dude, you don’t have to be ashamed or anything.” – Kyle Broflovski
“But I’m not a fudge packer!” – Tom Cruise
“Then why are you packing fudge?” – Stan Marsh
“I’m not, I’m a very busy actor!” – Tom Cruise

bbclogo1

Tom Cruise leads Scott tributes:

Tom Cruise is among dozens of stars paying tribute to British director Tony Scott

I’m sure he is, but that in no way makes any of this actual news, much less worthy of being on the front page.

FNLogo

GOP Convention Theme: We Built This – Of course, we did it with money we got from trust fund Viagra junkies, but we did built it.  And let no one accuse us of burying that story about the Red Senate candidate who exposed himself as a leering pervert the other day:

GOP Rep. Akin Stands Alone in Uproar Over Rape Remark – But does he stand “legitimately” alone or just “forcibly” alone?  And how are his body’s natural defense holding up?

FoxNationLogo

I gotta start paying more attention to “Politics”:

The Politics of Elizabeth Hurley

CNNlogo

These are the top six “Featured” stories at CNN this morning:

Important News

If you’re scoring at home, that’s two celebrity stories, two fluff videos, one piece of man-bites-dog local hero crap, and one news free survey.  Of the six, the “party school” survey probably comes closest to actual news, and it’s about as methodologically sound as Mr. Boswell’s worst dressed list.  Remember when CNN reported news?  They sure don’t.

nytimeslogo1 Oh, for fuck’s sake:

Op-Ed: WikiLeaks and the Global Future of Free Speech:

Michael Moore and Oliver Stone are Academy Award-winning filmmakers.

Really, New York Times?  The two most qualified and eloquent commentators you could find for this story were the self aggrandizing fat ass and the conspiracy nut director?  Fuck you. 

Posted August 21, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, South Park

Tagged with

Reading Digest – 15 August 2012   Leave a comment

“So, first of all, smoking’s bad.  You shouldn’t smoke.” – Mr. Mackey

Damascus Bombing:

bbclogo1 Syria crisis: Blast near Damascus military compound:

A large explosion has struck close to a military compound in the Syrian capital, Damascus, near a hotel used by the UN’s observer mission.

Syrian state TV reported that three people had been injured in the blast, but that none of them were UN monitors.

aljazeeralogo1 Rebels claim responsibility for Syria blast:

The FSA planted eight explosive canisters in the vicinity of the Syrian military’s Central Security Command, timed to explode during their daily meeting, Abu al-Noor of the Ahfad Al Rasoul Brigade said.

The FSA had intelligence suggesting some 150 high-ranking officers would be attending the meeting. He did not know how many casualties had occurred because the security forces had secured the area.

"We will continue to carry out similar operations in the capital until we reach him [Assad] in the presidential palace," Abu al-Noor said.

nytimeslogo1 Explosion Strikes Near Hotel Used by U.N. in Damascus – On the plus side:

While the administration has not ruled out any option on Syria, American officials have repeatedly said they do not want to further militarize the conflict. Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta reiterated that view in an interview on Monday with The Associated Press, asserting that plans for a no-fly zone in Syria were “not on the front burner as far as I know.”

Let’s hope it stays that way.  BBC has you covered for carnage porn.

Bombings in Afghanistan:

aljazeeralogo1 Afghanistan hit by wave of attacks – Things blow up with such frequency there that it’s hard for the press to even keep track.  These are all from just this story:

At least nine people in eastern Afghanistan have been wounded in a grenade attack, a day after dozens of Afghans died in a triple suicide bombing in the country’s southwest.

[…]

The explosions in Zaranj, the capital of Nimroz province, along the Iranian border, killed at least 36, including 10 policemen, and left about 120 people wounded on Tuesday.

[…]

A bomb also detonated in a market in the northern province of Kunduz, killing 10 people and injuring 36 others.

The explosion, which killed several children, went off just as shoppers were heading home for the meal ending the Ramadan fast.

nytimeslogo1 Attackers in Afghanistan Kill at Least 43 – The Afghan police weren’t exactly asleep on the job, either:

The first inkling of trouble came on Monday night when police officers, acting on a tip, found two potential suicide bombers in a safe house with a large amount of explosives and weapons. They killed the two men, and on Tuesday they caught three more suspects in the plot and took them into custody. But just a few hours later, at 3 p.m., explosions began in multiple places, General Rasuli said.

This has been your daily reminder that we are still at war.  

Rohingya in Burma:

bbclogo1 Muslim homes razed in Burma’s Rakhine state – It’s a big planet, and just keeping tabs on where people are killing each other isn’t always possible:

The largest Muslim area in the Burmese city of Sittwe was razed to the ground in recent communal violence, a UK broadcaster has reported.

A team from the UK’s Channel 4 News gained access to Sittwe, which has been off limits to reporters for months.

They filmed an area once home to 10,000 that had been reduced to rubble.

aljazeeralogo1 Thousands of Rohingya helpless after violence:

The aftermath is particularly evident in the Narze quarter of the capital Sittwe, which has become a ghost town since the Buddhist Rakhine and Muslim Rohingya were evacuated to keep the peace.

The refugee camps and villages lacking food now house 70,000 people, according to police Lieutenant Colonel Myo Min Aung.

Violence flared after the alleged rape of a Buddhist woman and the retribution killing of ten Muslims. Days of fighting between the Rakhine and Rohingya ensued, bringing the official death toll to 78. But that is widely believed to be grossly underestimated.

Al Jazeera also has a slideshow of the city burning and riot police in action.

Kangaroo Camps:

bbclogo1 Australia asylum: MPs back offshore processing:

The lower house passed a bill presented to parliament on Tuesday, following recommendations from an expert panel.

The bill now goes to the Senate, where it is expected to pass in coming days because both the governing Labor Party and the opposition back it.

aljazeeralogo1 Australian MPs back asylum-centres plan – Al Jazeera has a video interview with an Australian immigration activist who is understandably not keen on this. 

Kangaroo Cigarettes:

bbclogo1 Australia cigarette plain packaging law upheld by court:

The law requires cigarettes to be sold in olive green packets, with graphic images warning of the consequences of smoking.

Leading global tobacco manufacturers, including British American Tobacco and Philip Morris, had challenged the law.

[…]

However, tobacco manufacturers have argued that removing their brand names and company colours from packets will lead to a drastic cut in profits.

Something tells me that “drastic cut in profits” isn’t the argument you want to be making. 

aljazeeralogo1 Australia court backs new tobacco laws:

Leading global tobacco manufacturers, including British American Tobacco, Britain’s Imperial Tobacco, Philip Morris and Japan Tobacco, had challenged the law, claiming the rules were unconstitutional because they effectively extinguished their intellectual property rights.

[…]

Industry analysts are worried plain packaging laws could spread to emerging markets like Brazil, Russia and Indonesia and threaten sales growth.

I could’ve used a quote from the “Industry analysts” there, however.  I’m sure it would delightfully elide what “sales growth” really means in that context. 

Fit to Print:

nytimeslogo1 Grandma’s Marijuana Farm in Swaziland Is Family Payday:

In 2007, her daughter Tensile died at the age of 24, she said, leaving behind four orphaned children to take in. A couple of years later another daughter, Spiwe, died, leaving three more mouths to feed. They, too, came to live with their gogo. Then in July, her daughter Nomsa died, leaving behind four more children. There was nothing to be done but move them into her one-room hut as well.

[…]

Then there are the police. They often search for marijuana fields in March and April, just before the harvest, and burn them to the ground, leaving the women with nothing to show for their hard work.

A good harvest can yield as much as 25 pounds of marijuana. But they sell to middlemen who come through the villages at harvest time, and have little bargaining power. Most make less than $400 per crop.

“The men come from South Africa to buy, but they cheat us,” Ms. Nkosi said. “What can we do? If you sit with it the police can come and arrest you.”

Once more, with feeling: Fuck the Drug War.

nytimeslogo1 Phoenix in the Grip of Unrelenting Heat:

As of Monday, the average August temperature was 100.2 degrees, or 6.2 degrees higher than normal, Mr. Waters said. By Tuesday, the temperature had reached 110 degrees for nine consecutive days; last year, the longest stretch where temperatures reached or surpassed 110 degrees was six days. Tuesday was also the 31st consecutive day the mercury hit 100 degrees.

Building a giant, sprawling city in the middle of the desert when global temperatures are rising across the board might not have been a good idea.

nytimeslogo1 Pastor Kenneth L. Miller Convicted in Parental Kidnapping Case – On the sunny side, that’s one less asshole walking around:

After only four hours of deliberation, a federal jury in Burlington, Vt., found an Amish-Mennonite pastor guilty of abetting international parental kidnapping in a widely publicized case involving a same-sex union and religious opponents of homosexuality.

The pastor, Kenneth L. Miller of Stuarts Draft, Va., could face up to three years in prison. He was convicted of helping Lisa A. Miller flee to Nicaragua with her daughter, Isabella Miller-Jenkins, in 2009 to evade court-ordered visits with Ms. Miller’s former partner in a civil union in Vermont.

In divorce, it’s always the Amish-Mennonite pastors who suffer.

Posted August 15, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, South Park

Tagged with