Archive for the ‘Reading Digest’ Category

Reading Digest – 7 November 2012   Leave a comment

“Hey, Krusty, great set.” – Bart Simpson
“Are you kidding?  I stunk up the joint.” – Krusty the Klown
“No, no, I was talking to Lisa back there, we both agreed: you killed.” – Bart Simpson
“Really?  Lisa, huh?” – Krusty the Klown
“Sure, there were a lot of laughs.  You probably couldn’t hear them, the acoustics were so bad.” – Bart Simpson
“Yeah, the acoustics, that’s what it was.” – Krusty the Klown

CNNlogo The most trusted name in lackluster election coverage provides this important window into the anonymous hivemind of Facebook users:

Facebook Follies

The big news?  People were talking about Obama and Romney last night.  Thanks, CNN.

FNLogo At FOX, the blame is already being apportioned, and they’ve found a reliable culprit:

Obama Media Bias Did It!

And how, pray tell, did the “Media” account for the huge electoral margin and (as of right now) roughly 2.5 million popular vote difference:?  Well:

1. The Media’s Biased Gaffe Patrol Hammered Romney: The media unfairly jumped on  inconsequential mistakes — or even invented controversies — from Romney and hyped them in to multi-day media “earthquakes.” Case in point: the GOP candidate’s trip to Europe and Israel in late July. A Media Research Center analysis of all 21 ABC, CBS and NBC evening news stories about Romney’s trip found that virtually all of them (18, or 86%) emphasized “diplomatic blunders,” “gaffes” or “missteps.”

Yeah, it was the networks’ fault for covering a diplomatic fiasco that the British press deemed “Romneyshambles”.  But that one’s actually coherent compared to the next two:

2. Pounding Romney With Partisan Fact Checking:


3. Those Biased Debate Moderators:

There are plenty of self-serving examples listed and many more counter-examples omitted, but it’s telling that FOX is pointing the finger at facts and debate moderators, as though it was all part of a grand design.  Read the rest if you want a morning jolt of winger butthurt with your coffee.

ABC Logo You would think on a day when there is a gargantuan surplus of real news a major network wouldn’t need to dip into the well of self-serving celebrity attention whores to fill space.  You would be wrong:

Self Regard Will Take You Far

It’s actually the first story below the electoral scoreboard, as if it matters in the least.

WSJlogo1 The more restrained vassals of Murdoch’s kingdom are taking things slightly better.  Slightly:

Review & Outlook: Hope Over Experience

That’s their lead editorial, which posits that electing the president who’s been doing the job for four years over the guy who was once a one term governor counts as picking “hope” over “experience”.  Huh. 

Posted November 7, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, The Simpsons

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Reading Digest – 6 November 2012   Leave a comment

“Oh no, an election?  That’s one of those deals where they close the bars, isn’t it?” – Barney Gumble
“Sorry, Barney.” – Moe

NBCLogo Ah, there isn’t anything quite like election morning, when there’s nothing left to say and powerful news apparatuses grind to a halt with banalities they could’ve written months ago:


After months of intense — and often negative — campaigning between President Barack Obama and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, voters headed to the polls across the country Tuesday to render their verdict.

CBSLogo Not that the Tiffany Network has anything better:

After final push, Election Day here

Obama, Romney prepare to watch returns roll in as voters head to polls; both sides project confidence

NYTimes Logo And this is just as vapid in print or on the screen:

State by State, Battle for the Presidency Goes to Voters

Clues to Tuesday’s outcome may come early, but the night could be long. Here, a guide to know who is up, who is down and if court challenges and recounts could be in the works.

Shorter Paywalled Lady: “may”, “could be”, and “if”.  Thanks, fellas. 

NPRlogo The tote bag crowd goes with yesterday’s news to try and gin up something worth talking about this AM:

On Election Eve, Obama And Romney Try Blazing A Path To 270

On the final day of the 2012 campaign, President Obama and Mitt Romney are making a last push in states that could be critical to victory. Obama was scheduled to campaign in three swing states, while Romney had events planned in four. The only overlap was in Ohio, considered the linchpin of the election.

So the incumbent and the challenger spent the last day of the campaign . . . campaigning?  Ugh.

FNLogo Ah, here we go:

Obama Goes Home

That’s some nice projection, right there, valiant Mittens “Battles On” whilst that dastardly Obama “Goes Home”.  Even on a newsless morning, FOX comes through.  They’re the best.

FoxNationLogo While the adults have to be at least a little sly about putting their Romney boosterism in the headline, at the kids table they just say what they know you want to hear:

Mitt Looks Good

The story reads like a particularly spoiled seven-year-old expectantly listing the pony, Playstation, XBox, rocket car, and jet pack he’s going to get for his birthday tomorrow:

If the Romney campaign’s internal numbers are correct – and nearly all independent pollsters have come up with a picture much more favourable for Obama – then the former Massachusetts governor will almost certainly be elected 45th U.S. President.

You can tell they really wanted that last part in there. 

DailyCallerLogo Carlson’s House of Wingnut Welfare has something to help you pass the time until the results start coming in:

Hurr, Homophones Are Sexy

That’s in addition to a story about college admissions run with a picture of cheerleaders and a story about hurricane relief efforts with an image of Victoria’s Secret models.  If the Omegas from Animal House ran a website, the Daily Caller is what it would look like. 

Reading Digest – 5 November 2012   Leave a comment

“Finally, I just stopped caring.  Luckily by then it was the 80s and no one noticed.” – Reverend Lovejoy

CNNlogo As you’d expect, most news outlets are running generic campaign coverage (Romney and Obama race to finish!, yadda yadda yadda), but there is always fun to be had on, and here on the morning before the election, it’s this:

Less News, More Graphics

It’s video clips of CNN’s election night coverage from every presidential election from 1980 through 2008.  What’s so fascinatingly macabre about it is that you can watch the news content become gradually overwhelmed by graphics and bullshit.  In 1980, it’s people sitting at a desk reporting the news.  (Come back, Bernard Shaw!)  By 1992 we’ve got a panel of “experts” yammering away, and then by 2004 and 2008 it’s crazy computer walls and fake holograms and the election itself is almost an afterthought.  You can actually see CNN go from one of the best news organizations on the planet to a tittering laughing stock in just two and a half minutes.  It’s amazing.  And, of course, there’s this, which is right below that sad history lesson:

Election Night, Buddy!

Yep, CNN’s history gets two and a half minutes, Pauly Shore gets nearly four.  Maybe we’ll get lucky and Atlanta will go out of business before they can embarrass themselves further in 2016. 

DailyBeastLogo Newsweek Jr. is feeling dignified this morning:

Leave Michelle's Clothes Aloooooone

A fine sentiment, too bad that this was running in the exact same spot just two weeks ago:


You suck, Newsweek Jr.

DailyCallerLogo Tucker & Friends certainly won’t let a pesky thing like an election distract them from offering soft core porn for their dick pill demographic:

Election Slideshows

They call this a news site.  It’s amazing.

Posted November 5, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, The Simpsons

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Reading Digest – 2 November 2012   Leave a comment

“My God, the Mad Magazine special edition!  They only put out seventeen of these a year!” – Bart Simpson
“Boy, they’re really socking it to that Spiro Agnew guy again, he must work there or something.” – Milhouse van Houten

CNNlogo Give Atlanta credit, they’re still mostly focused on hurricane stories and recovery.  Take away said credit, because they’re back to doing shit like this:

Dating Tips for Magazines and Pumpkins Over 50

FoxNationLogo It took a day, but the various tentacles of the Murdoch empire finally got on the same page:

Rove Is Always Right

Well, I’m convinced.  Ooh, also:

Daniel Day Lewis

This is clearly over.  Why even have the election?  Clap harder you fucking proles!

DailyCallerLogo Tucker & Friends continue their mission to publicize crap that even FOX News thinks is juvenile and irrelevant:


The article is even funnier:

The 2.6 grade can’t be confirmed, is contradicted by some evidence, and it doesn’t say anything about the courses, professors and associations Obama was immersed in during his two-year stay in Columbia.

If that’s not worth impeaching him, I don’t know what is. 

ABC Logo Apparently Disney can’t help but keep track of its wayward youth oriented product positioning experiments:

Mouseketeers In Trouble

You can quit the Mickey Mouse Club, but no one ever leaves.

Posted November 2, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, The Simpsons

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Reading Digest – 1 November 2012   Leave a comment

“Alright, you heard Mr. Skorpio.” – Henchman
“No, just ‘Skorpio’, remember, how we’re doing that from now on?” – Skorpio
“Sorry, sir.” – Henchman

FNLogo There are few things on-line more tortured than FOX trying to discuss climate change:

We Got Climate and Skeptic in the Headline, Right

The article is a wonder of omission, elision, and overall tip-toeing around the reality of a warming Earth.  So they’ll quote scientists who are four square behind climate change as a real thing but aren’t convinced how much it directly influenced Sandy, but in their body copy still refer to the “climate change debate”, just so you know that FOX itself is still iffy on the whole concept.  The important thing: Democrats are wrong and at least some scientists disagree with them.  The less important thing that is artfully concealed: the disagreement is over a minor point, not the grand one we want our readers to assume. 

FoxNationLogo You know nerves are getting frayed ahead of the main event on Tuesday because even the usually disciplined nationalists are having a hard time keeping everyone on the same page:

Dead Heat Means Good News for John McCain

Oh, so with all that momentum, Mittens is tied.  Except that:

Gaining Ground While Still Ahead, Impressive

Wait, Romney’s “Closing Ground on Obama”?  I thought it was a dead heat, or that he was already ahead and all but assured of victory?  Karl Rove certainly thinks so . . . 


Rove: Sifting the Numbers for a Winner

It comes down to numbers. And in the final days of this presidential race, from polling data to early voting, they favor Mitt Romney.

. . . unless of course, he’s lying, but I think we can trust him.  Either way, you’d think various Murdoch entities would be better coordinated. 

Posted November 1, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Archer, Reading Digest

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Reading Digest – 31 October 2012   Leave a comment

“There’s some candy right here, sir.  Why don’t we eat this instead of stealing?” – Mr. Smithers
“Oh, very well.” – C.M. Burns

FNLogo Thankfully, supplies of wingnut butthurt were unaffected by the storm:

Storms Are Part of God's Plan

It’s a video where two white dudes talk about how “Some in Media” have had the temerity to mention that Romney has said he’d gut the federal agencies tasked with hurricane tracking and response, and two different opinion pieces about how wretched the New York Times was to dare continue covering the presidential race while it was raining.  One suspects that anything short of an editorial extolling the virtues of supply side disaster recovery would’ve earned equal opprobrium. 

FoxNationLogo The nationalists are on the same trail this morning, but they’re hunting bigger game:

Forward Is a Dirty Word

The details are even more amusing in terms of oversensitive paranoia:

President Obama may have suspended his campaign rallies due to Hurricane Sandy, but he managed to squeeze in his campaign slogan — intentionally or not — during a briefing Tuesday with federal emergency officials.

"The president made clear that he expects his team to remain focused as the immediate impacts of Hurricane Sandy continue and lean forward in their response," the White House said in a statement about Mr. Obama’s video-teleconference that he conducted from the White House Situation Room. "Forward" is the slogan of his re-election campaign.

First of all, Obama didn’t “suspend” anything, you’re getting him confused with McCain ’08.  He just stepped off the campaign trail to, you know, do president stuff.  Second, you’ve got to be Princess and the Pea sensitive to political insult to think that saying the word “forward”, especially at the beginning of a gargantuan task like cleaning up after an unprecedented storm, is a campaign move. 

DailyBeastLogo Newsweek Jr., half-assing it on the Halloween photo spread beat:

Breaking - Celebrity Celebrates Halloween

Let Tucker & Friends show you how it’s done . . .

DailyCallerLogo Boom:

Sluts Love Candy and Tucker Carlson It’s a holiday, so none of that “10 great asses” stuff they usually do.  Nope, today they’ve got fifty(!) “sluttiest” costumes, with art!  (And if you think most of the images are just pictures taken from costume advertisements, you would be correct.)  Don’t worry, though, it’s not all for the ladies.  Men anxious about the relative manliness of their hobbies can also be assuaged:

Grrr, My Hobby Is Mainlining Testosterone and Getting Into Fights At the Bus Stop

Manly hobbies “for men”.  What is this, a testicular cancer support group?  Oh, and as a special Halloween treat, a guy dressed like Professor Snape literally took candy from the mouths of babes:

Snape Took Our Every Flavor Beans

May I suggest a better subhead?:

Asshole takes candy from babies, we praise him for it because we’re assholes too.

Reading Digest – 30 October 2012   Leave a comment

“What are you doing?” – Eric Cartman
“We’re in line for the spook house.” – Butters Stotch
“Line?  Line!  I hate lines!” – Eric Cartman

CNNlogo Even with their hurricane coverage, CNN can’t resist a little celebrity gossip:

Hurricanes of the Rich and Famous

The story includes such useful and informative insights as:

@ryanlochte: Due to Hurricane #Sandy the @90210 episode is postponed until November 5th. Hope everyone is safe up north!


@Jon_Favreau: Stay safe, East coast. #sandy

And, oh yes:

@snooki: Ahhhhh our power went out!

FNLogo Neither rain nor sleet nor dark of hurricane will keep FOX from accusing others of not being as unbiased as they are:

Twitter Bias Is Biased

And what was this particular thought crime?  It was to crack a joke on Twitter about Romney aids spamming an endorsement:

Late last week, CNN political reporter Peter Hamby clearly showed his partisan stripes by tweeting his apparent irritation at a flurry of Tweets he must have received from Mitt Romney staffers and supporters gleefully trumpeting the front page of last Thursday’s Des Moines Register. In response, he sent out a snarky Tweet of his own, “any Romney/RNC staffers not tweeted Des Moines Register front page yet?  @KevinMaddenDC is keeping score,” he tweeted.

To the re-education camp with him!

NPRlogo Apparently the hurricane didn’t keep all of NPR’s story monkeys busy:

Lines, How Do They Work

It’s a story about lines, and while it is just as vapid as you’d think, it also manages to contain both this:

And because there is in the idea of "the line" an understood premise – and promise. It’s an inherently American notion that some day, at some point, if you are polite and patient and play by the rules, you will move to the front of the line. And at last it will be your turn. And you will finally get your chance to do what you want to do.

And this:

Lines Around The World

Different societies, of course, exhibit different queuing cultures, according to sociologist David R. Gibson of Princeton University.

They couldn’t even write a story about waiting in line without it being so mushy headed and poorly written that it contradicted itself.  Lines: too challenging for NPR.

DailyCallerLogo Carlson’s House of Wingnut Welfare knows that this storm is only an excuse for the media to continue ignoring something Obama said at a party in 1984 . . . when he was living in New York!:


Was Hurricane Sandy a dastardly Chicago-style plot to destroy evidence that Obama was receiving instructions from the KGB while he was a student at Columbia?  We’re just asking questions.  Speaking of the routine obsessions of Tucker & Friends:

I Like Hurricane Butts and I Cannot Lie!

They are consistent, you’ve got to give them that. 

Posted October 30, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, South Park

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Reading Digest – 29 October 2012   Leave a comment

“I think a hurricane is coming!” – Lisa Simpson
“Oh, Lisa, there’s no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.” – Homer Simpson
“Yes, but eh records only go back to 1978 when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away.” – Lisa Simpson

DailyCallerLogo As you’d expect, most media outlets are all Hurricane Sandy all the time this morning, which means that they’re well below normal levels of stupid.  Fortunately, Carlson’s House of Wingnut Welfare has cut through those boring preparedness stories and warnings about when the storm is coming aground to bring you a billionaire boner:

Bloomberg Boner

From the article:

Either Bloomberg gets super excited about emergency preparedness, his personal area was caught on-camera at a weird angle, or he once had a particular fondness for a woman named Sandy.

This being Tucker & Friends, they’ve also got to talk about the supply side of elderly erections:

Ice Cream Babes 2 - Cream HarderAnd:

From Jezebel to Janet Reno

Apparently, the women of loose morals named Sandy slideshow will have to wait until tomorrow. 

usatodaylogo McPaper has the usual hurricane coverage, but digs a bit deeper than most to come up with something really idiotic:

Hurricane Stocks (Limited Time Only)

The stock market is actually closed today thanks to the hurricane, but that doesn’t mean that wild financial speculation need cease! 

WSJlogo1 Hurricane or not, the Journal always has op-ed space for tax lunatics:

Steve Forbes: The Fiscal Duty of Congress’s Lame Duck

Remember Steve Forbes?  He’s back, and he “wrote” a “manifesto”:

Mr. Forbes, the chairman of Forbes Media, is co-author of "Freedom Manifesto: Why Free Markets Are Moral and Big Government Isn’t" (Crown Business, 2012).

I eagerly look forward to reading Comrade Forbes description of the glorious revolutionary flat tax owners paradise.

Posted October 29, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest, The Simpsons

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Reading Digest – 26 October 2012   Leave a comment

“Mary Bailey isn’t going to fire me if I don’t vote for her.  I’m for Monty Burns!” – Homer Simpson

CNNlogo Stay classy, CNN:

Is Stupid a Factor in CNN Headlines

The linked story isn’t nearly as bad as the headline, basically just a rundown of the New Hampshire doughboy’s idiotic remarks and immediate ‘clarification’.  But to put a leading question mark on that headline on the homepage like that will give who knows how many thousands or tens of thousands of people the wrong impression about what happened.  Not that CNN’s featured stories have ever been a bastion of dignity and important information:

Gangnam Perry NEWS

usatodaylogo What’s curious about this headline, is that it’s labeled “Travel” instead of “Business”:

Hilton in Vegas . . . Ewww. This isn’t as bad a finding cruise line deals for people, but it’s also hardly anything more than a nice free ad for Hilton:

The upscale, contemporary chain, known for giving guests chocolate chip cookies, will offer Hilton’s loyalty program members a spot on The Strip after a nearly 14-year absence. The Tropicana will be integrated into Hilton’s websites and toll-free reservations number.

USA Today: The Hilton loyalty program member’s national newspaper. 

WSJlogo1 Bravo:

Three Musketeers

Wittingly or not, that’s a great summation of respectable winger thought these days.  First, balance the budget but don’t touch military spending.  Second, George Washington wanted this to be a Judeo-Christian nation because history.  Third, employers intimidating their employees about their vote should be embraced because employers obviously know more about politics than any little peon who has to cash a paycheck to make ends meet.

DailyCallerLogo And what would a day be without Carlson’s House of Wingnut Welfare giving old guys a little spank material:

Attractive Clients

I think everyone’s getting what they want here:

For the third year in a row, the feminist firebrand says one of her clients could offer testimony that would incriminate Romney. It has something to do with Bain Capital and Staples or something. (Does it really matter?)

In light of this promising claim, here are nine of Allred’s fine, upstanding and attractive clients.

Give Tucker & Friends credit, they can find their way to “women in bikinis” from just about any topic you give them.  Lawsuit against one of Romney’s business partners?  Hot law clients, boom, slideshow. 

Reading Digest – 25 October 2012   Leave a comment

“And so, when Captain Leela panicked, perhaps distracted by female troubles, my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did to save the day.” – Zapp Brannigan

CNNlogo Atlanta got a lot of well deserved flack yesterday for their breathtakingly idiotic story about the wimmin folk not being able to vote rationally because of the monthlies.  This isn’t as insulting, but may be just as stupid:

This Is SNN

The actual article is about a study conducted by, wait for it, Spotify, and contains doozies like this one:

"Dirty Dancing" was the top pick for both men and women, although the study’s author, music psychologist Daniel Mullensiefen, also pointed out that men are more willing to adjust their tastes in music in order to ensure "greater success in the bedroom."

Well played, gentlemen.

DailyCallerLogo CNN deserves every bit of scorn for that dipshit story yesterday, but this is the pot calling the kettle black:

Sexism Knows Its Own

That’s rich coming from a publication that still considers Hugh Hefner an icon of the women’s rights movement.  The story actually contains this:

Not My Boner!  Anything But That

Outside of how the election might “impact” your penis, today Tucker & Friends also has two slideshows:

Bikinis and Sexy Nurses

And this important story about a county board election in Illinois:

Running For MILF-in-Chief

To sum up, CNN’s just plain dumb, but Carlson’s House of Wingnut Welfare will run airbrushed bikini photos at the drop of a hat because politics.

DailyBeastLogo Tee-hee, Newsweek Jr. is pretending to have some dignity:

Peas in a Pod

Something tells me that the bankrupt has been will grace the digital pages of Newsweek Jr. just as soon as the editors realize that it’s hard to be a fluff publication without covering desperate attention whores.

Update [8:55am]:  I’m sorry, make that three slideshows for Tucker & Friends:

Bond 'Girl' Rankings

Posted October 25, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Futurama, Reading Digest

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