Commercial Break: Mega-T Magic Tea   Leave a comment

Broadcast: 15 October 2012
Program: Toddlers & Tiaras
Channel: The once respectable TLC
Conglomerate: Discovery Communications

Advertiser: Mega-T Green Tea
Owned By: CCA Industries
Pitch: Take this to temporarily get your hopes up about becoming thin you disgusting fat ass.

There is probably no class of businesses whose products fail more consistently than the weight loss industry.  Since dieting doesn’t work and extreme exercise regimens are impossible for most people to maintain, they’re basically setting their own customers up for perpetual failure (though that does have the added bonus of keeping them coming back).  In the meantime, they’re happy to take your money for things that even they admit won’t actually decrease you in mass. 

Case in point is this hilariously misleading and empty ad for Mega-T Green Tea.  It starts with a young female voice demanding your attention:

Hey, you!

Yes, how can I help you?

Your muffin top’s showing.

Gee, that’s not very nice.  One doesn’t usually begin conversations by insulting someone.  As she says this, we get to see a childishly poorly photoshopped stomach:

Photoshop Muffin Top

Photoshop has commands for things like “Skew”, “Distort” and “Stretch”, that doesn’t mean you should use them like this.

Setting aside the obvious fakeness of the image, the simple solution to that unfashionable appearance would probably be to try clothing that actually fits.  That’s not what Mega-T has in mind, though:
  It's Not Real Medicine, We Just Made It Look That Way

Hey, you!  Your crappy graphics department is showing.

Mega-T Green Tea’s thermogenic action will help you lose your muffin top.  Come on!  Lose your muffin top with Mega-T.

Let’s take a look at the obvious bullshit on display here.  First of all “thermogenic action” sounds impressive, but all it really means is that something produces heat.  And since your body, Mega-T or not, is doing that at all times of the day and night, all that claim really means is that Mega-T won’t kill you. 

More importantly, the box headlines itself with “Lose Up to 20 LBS”, but has to include an asterisk that reveals that while you may indeed lose weight, any concurrent Mega-T ingestion will be purely coincidental.  It’ll happen over the superlatively non-specified “period of time”, which could theoretically mean after you die and begin to rot.  (Nobody is skinnier than skeletons.)  It also requires the dreaded “diet and exercise”, which are no fun, unlikely to last, and doesn’t involve you forking over any money to them.  The final shoe drops in the fine print as the photoshopped image is shrunk and skewed again:

Cough, We're Making This Up, Cough

Proofreading is truly a lost art.

There it is, the disclaimer that sells all those ludicrously dumb diet supplements (typo in the original):

These statements have not been evaluated by the Foodand Drug Administration.  This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

Translation: We’re not claiming that our product actually works, we’re just saying that it might work, maybe, but we don’t really want to find out.  And even that’s not enough to legally insulate them from claiming that their tea (tea!) will make your stomach trim and taught:

Diet, Exercsie, and Photoshop

Pay no attention to the white text, continue gazing at the fake, red stomach.

With all the bullshit boiled away, all that’s left of this ad is that women saying “muffin top”, the only purpose of which is to make you feel bad about yourself, hopefully bad enough to ignore the fact that drinking tea doesn’t have shit to do with “muffin tops”, fitting into blue jeans, or anything else. 

Posted October 22, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Commercial Break

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