Reading Digest – 8 October 2012   Leave a comment

“Wait, don’t be fooled!  She’s just a regular Malibu Stacy with a stupid cheap hat!  She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before!” – Lisa Simpson
“But she’s got a new hat!” – Mr. Smithers

DailyCallerLogo Carlson’s House of Wingnut Welfare got itself a redesign this morning.  Apparently, the consultants told them that they could use vertical space to more efficiently embarrass themselves by trumpeting old quotes no one cares about:

News from Yesteryear!

If you’re playing at home, that’s one essay by Michelle in 1988, and three speeches by Barack, one each from 1991, 1998 and 2003.  No word yet on whether or not their next bombshell will involve a twelve word kindergarten essay on sharing written by little Michelle Robinson.  The current year, by the way, is 2012. 

That’s not all of today’s stupid at the new Daily Caller, though:

Tanks with Wheels

Mr. Matthew Boyle (if that is your real name), it does not appear that you know what a tank is.  Mr. Webster, if you please:

3 : an enclosed heavily armed and armored combat vehicle that moves on tracks

I realize that the technical distinction between something with tracks and something with wheels may be a bit over your head, so just remember that one is flat and the other is round.  Please consult Michelle Obama’s 1970 finger painting “Shapes I Love” for reference. 

usatodaylogo McPaper, which recently got its own redesign, would like you to know about a press release sent out by Red Bull this morning:

Energy Drink Market Watch

It’s a story about money, all right, here’s the first quote:

"Taste is a barrier for the category, and taste is a barrier for Red Bull," says Amy Taylor, vice president of marketing. "After 12 years in the U.S., we can now introduce flavors without confusion. It’s about expanding the consumer base."

In test marketing, the new flavors resulted in 60% incremental sales growth, Taylor says. Although she declined to be specific, Taylor hinted that this may be just the beginning of flavor expansion at Red Bull. "We have the intention to grow this category and this brand."

Journalism!

PoliticoLogo Is this really the best you could do on a Monday?:

Vice Presidential Debate 2012: A veep debate that could really matter

The fun comes from the fact that the incorrigibly sloppy thinking at the Village Enquirer often leads to equally sloppy articles:

Vice presidential debates typically matter as much as vice presidential picks — which is to say not a lot — but a convergence of factors is raising the stakes on this week’s faceoff between Paul Ryan and Vice President Joe Biden.

Looming most heavy over the clash in Kentucky is President Barack Obama’s remarkably weak debate performance last week, a showing that has given Republicans their first sense of hope in weeks and increased the pressure on Biden to get Democrats back on course.

Obama’s Denver dud, and specifically his refusal to go after Mitt Romney on some of the GOP nominee’s most glaring vulnerabilities, has officials in both parties anticipating an aggressive, hard-hitting Biden showing up to try to put Democrats back on the offensive.

It goes from there in typical Politico style: quote, counter-quote, “did you hear what Joe’s best friend said about Becky’s hair in the bathroom?”.  Being Politico, it never actually explains why this particular pitcher of warm piss debate might be different from all the others that haven’t mattered, it just talks about it breathlessly and assumes that it does.  In Politico’s house style guide there’s probably an entire section on how to explain why trivia and minutia are important without ever actually doing so:

The circumstances around the face-off this week at Centre College actually most resemble not 2008 but 2004

Does anyone think the Cheney-Edwards debate mattered to the outcome?  Of course not, we’re just spit ballin’ here! 

FNLogo And finally, FOX has to report that Hugo Chavez, that socialist dickhole, won re-election.  But they don’t have to like it:

No Mercy

Can you find me a picture where it looks like he’s condemning a gladiator to death?  Why, yes.  Yes we can.

Posted October 8, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Reading Digest

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