Commercial Break: Shit Well With Our Patented Bullshit   Leave a comment

Broadcast: 31 August 2012
Program: SportsCenter
Channel: ESPN
Conglomerate: Disney

Advertiser: Phillips
Owned By: Bayer
Product: Phillips Colon Health

The basic play of any commercial is to first make you feel bad about some perceived deficiency or problem in your life so that the product in question can swoop in and heal the insecurity the commercial itself just created.  This is made even easier when the subject in question is something as embarrassing and universal as taking a shit. 

We open on a nondescript “City Council” with someone asking if there are any questions.  That prompts the “Phillips Lady”, who probably had different aspirations for her acting career than this, to shout:

Anyone have occasional constipation, diarrhea, gas, bloating?

The Glamour of Professional Acting

I played Madame Ranevskaya in college, damn it!

One of the fake council members immediately says yes and is embarrassed, but Phillips Lady plows right ahead:

One Phillips Colon Heath pro-biotic cap each day helps defend against these digestive issues, with three strains of good bacteria.

What makes this funny, other than everything else, is that as she’s giving us the pitch for preventative colon maintenance with a hideously expensive supplement, they have to put this on the screen:

Damn the FDA

In case you can’t read the type that they’ve got in the tiniest font their lawyers will allow against a similarly colored background, it reads:

This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.  This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. 

In other words, this thing, which we’re trying to get you to take every single day and which the website says shouldn’t be taken by pregnant or nursing women, is just some wild ass theory we have and may or may not actually do anything.  And the reason we want you to take it is because you have “occasional” problems with your rear plumbing, which is something literally everyone ever has had.  But we want you to feel bad enough about that to start taking our bullshit pill which we can’t call medicine or make any substantive claims for. 

Posted August 31, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Commercial Break

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