Commercial Break: Buy Computer Animated Gold!   1 comment

Broadcast: 27 August 2012
Program: Varney & Company
Channel: FOX Business
Conglomerate: News Corporation

Advertiser: Discount Gold
Conglomerate: Let’s hope not
Product: Non-reactive metal

It’s been said that the FOX Business channel has a hard time attracting advertisers because, well, nobody watches it.  This ad, which looks like it was put together by a particularly ill equipped high school audio visual club, certainly supports that notion.  We open on computer animated gold coins that may be rejected concept footage for World of Warcraft circa 2003 or so:

Azeroth Needs You

This blob of vaguely yellow pixels could be yours.

You aren’t left to imagine this pile of extremely realistic looking loot for long before the narrator appears as unobtrusively as possible:

Brand New LeSabres

Our goblin vaults are protected by plenty of computerized enchantments.

When you see this man, in his rumpled, unbuttoned suit and garish yellow tie, what leaps to mind first: high security bullion deposits or convictions for tampering with odometers?  Take your time, he’ll be back in just a moment.  First, though, poorly animated computer gold is apparently a fantastic source of computer nitrogen:

Growth Medium

One way or another, there is a lot of fertilizer here.

Why anyone would want to grow a plant in their gold coins is a philosophical riddle that you’ll have no time to ponder as our not at all shady looking ex-used car salesman is back:

“Live traders are standing by right now to take your order.”

Unfortunately, as he’s talking about those “live traders”, he’s been superimposed over a stock image of young people sitting at desks:

Static Photos Are Standing By

Actual brokerage may not match photo.

Just when this whole thing couldn’t get any more embarrassing, the final image is of more gold that even the most poorly computer rendered Solomon could ever dare dream:

A Digital Fortune

Good thing those bars say “999.9”, otherwise how would you trust their purity?

For the record, that’s seven (7) rows of imaginary gold bars, the top row of which eventually displays nineteen (19) of them for an implied total of 133.  If those are standard Good Delivery bars of four hundred (400) ounces each, at today’s price of $1,670 per ounce, that’s almost nine hundred million imaginary dollars in gold ($888,440,000).  Lucky for you, the savvy and sophisticated gold investor who just happens to be watching Stuart Varney’s money related variety show at ten in the morning, there is “No Minimum”. 

Posted August 27, 2012 by Charlie Sweatpants in Commercial Break

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One response to “Commercial Break: Buy Computer Animated Gold!

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  1. Pingback: Commercial Break: Retirement Apocalypse « The Ann Arbor Review of Books

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